|Trying to stay strong...
||[30 Jan 2009|05:38pm]
So everything fell apart and its been worse then ever me and dan broke up and got back together suposedly started over.. swore no more lies.. well unforanatly chris told me that while my grandfather was in the hospital dying dan was fucking jackie..
I didnt want to belive it.. I questioned him he denied it up and down.. I sought out proof.. and like always I found it.. you think it wouldnt hurt anymore but it does it hurts so bad..
found a couple videos that fit..
|When am I not loosing it??
||[16 Jan 2008|03:22pm]
I can't deal altho from what everyone says thats nothing new..
well screw it then... I dunno.. Im so fucking lost...
||[20 Sep 2007|04:31pm]
So here I sit... wondering what the fuck to do...
do I give up on this person thats suposed to be my bestfriend or do I fight... do I try to put shit in the past...
I don't know... the tears roll down my face and again Im stuck wondering why everything always falls apart..
|Days Go By And Life Goes On..
||[30 Aug 2007|08:16pm]
It's been quite awhile since Ive dug up my old journal... 11 weeks to be exact sooooooooooooooo much shit has happened.. Ive run into some old friends of mine and it's been crazy....
My Annie is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! w00t w00t!!!
Ive run into Random and Calvin... it's been awesome...
Ive been chillin with adam and jacob and it's been really awesome being around old friends even better knowing they still care
Ive done so much this summer.. lets run it down real quick...
1st would be VNV Nation.. it was fucking awesome seeing them in NYC again
2nd would be my vacation after my hellish exsperiance in florida don't get me wrong it felt great being back at my moms but when she sent me back it all went to shit... so as I was saying my vacation.. it started by me and dan going to new york to candy ball and as always smoke threw a killer fucking party... then from there we went to canada... yup thats right drove straight from candy ball to canada with and hour to spare to check into our hotel and then to head over to Hulla :)~ w00t w00t oh yea.. one immportant detail I forgot was to mention that at candy ball we were V.I.P hehehe Very Immportant Popple.. I know I rawk!! anyways Hulla was amazing and even better when we got dragged into the V.I.P lounge to watch anabolic and chill with him... talk about somthing that absolutly felt like a dream.... the whole car ride there was awesome me and dan got along great the partys were awsome he even seemed to have fun.. unfortanatly there was an issue lerking in the darkness and it popped out after hulla *Sigh* were working thru it..
3rd would be Family Values... It Fucking Rawked I will stop right here to thank my hunnie over and over again because I know we wernt suposed to be doing any of these things we did this summer due to money problems but he made it happen and for that and many other things I want to thank him over and over again.. I <3 Yew Hunnie!!!
Seeing Evanesence and KoRn Fucking Rawked My Sox and then we ran into Kymme Paul Stacie and Brian which was pretty kewl too... I like chillin with people at concerts.... while at Family Values I also ran into an old Muni rat who gave me and dan tickets to ozzfest which leads to...
# 4 OZZFEST!!!!! another awesome concert with awesome people... got to chill with jenni for a bit.. wikked kewlness.. ran into my cousin and then we ended up leaving early.. pretty good show for what I saw.. hell cant complain.. it was freeeee... and last but not least...
#5 Projekt Revolution Tour!!!! Me Annie & Dan Went and it was fucking amazing.. 1st we saw MSI... OMFG.. They Rawked!!! we were Jammin Out!!
Then it was off to the main stage and I was kinda Tipsy... hehehe
Placebo, My Chemical Romance <~~ (He's Fucking Hott *Drools*) and Linkin Park... I was loving it all.. my hunnie even rubbed my back for me cause I was really starting to hurt... he can be such a sweetheart when he wants to be....
Sooooooooo that has been my summer.. it's been pretty amazing unfortanatly alot of fucked up shit has also happened but Im trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together... LooK Im picaso!!!!
||[10 Jun 2007|11:40am]
Your Seduction Style: The Natural
You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.
|A Blast From The Past.. A Step Into The Future..
||[08 May 2007|03:29am]
Stumbeling across old journals brings back so mant memories nothing is ever how it is written... I was so different then my mind worked differently.. I wanted different things... my life was going nowhere fast and I was ok with that... craziness how so much can change.... I acctually know where I want to go in my life and what I want in my life... I have goals and dreams!!!!
Even tho things have been crazy and screwed up at times Ive held onto these dreams Ive been with dan for almost 3 years straight... I never thought I could stay with someone that long or that someone could stay with me that long normally by now I would of broken up and re hooked up with whoever... thats just how I was all my longest relationships were on and off relationships I think the most I stuck with someone was prior to me and dan I was with brian a lil over a year straight... and here I am now..
Im moving.. Im moving far away just saying that scares me Im scared for so many reasons 1st off Im uprooting my whole life Im also uprooting the kids draven should be ok he's still little but I know emily will be somewhat effected Im taking her away from everyone she loves.. I hope she adjusts ok..
and then theres me I keep telling myself it's for the best Im gonna be that much close to starting to accomplish my goals but to walk away from everyone here is so fucking hard... My Hunnie has been so sweet and has been making life easier in so many ways but at the same time it's even harder to go...
I just hope and pray Im making the right decision I hope that if I work really hard this will all fall into place
||[03 Nov 2006|02:19am]
First Best Friend: Leah
First real kiss: Chris T.
First real break-up: when I was 14
First screen name: Wcol241698
First self purchased album: fuck if i know
First funeral: Grama Alice
First pets: Fuzz, Hidi, Fat Cat Sam, and Kat
First piercing/tattoo: ears then tounge my 1st tat was a popple on my ankle
First true love: Duck
First enemy: Candice
First big trip: Disney
First music you remember: Gunz & Rosez
Last cigarette: 5 minutes ago
Last car ride: 2 hours ago
Last kiss: some time today... I didnt even get a kiss goodnight...
Last good cry: Tonight in the car
Last movie seen: Saw 3
Last beverage drank: PePsi
Last food consumed: Taco
Last crush: My Boyfriend
Last phone call: Greg
Last time showered: Last night
Last shoes worn: My VaNs
Last item bought: Scratch Tickets and stuff for emily
Last annoyance: same people who are always screwing up my life
Last time wanting to die: probally not a good subject to get into right now
Last time scolded: by who I have no family in connecticut
r e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. who are your best friends? Thats a hard question... I would have to say Annie Kymme and Vikki
02. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yes Boyfriend I think and hope were still together
s p e c i f i c s
01. do you do drugs? nah
02. what kind of shampoo do you use? whatevers in my shower Im not going to look right now
03. what are you most scared of? Spiders... Loosing my kids... and my boyfriend telling me that hes done with me.. it happened the other night but were trying to work it thought Im so scared we cant
04. what are you listening to right now? sugargliders running in their cage
05. who is the last person that called you? Greg
06. where do you want to get married? Married??? *sigh* that makes me cry
07. how many buddies are online right now? 37
08. what would you change about yourself? I would make my self everything dan wants
f a v o r i t e s
01. color: blood/purple/black
02. food: cheese sticks
03. name your boy: Draven
04. name your girl: Emily
05. subjects in school: reading
06. animals: Sugar Gliders
07. sports: dunno
08. perfume: cool water & curves soul
09. cologne: curve for men
h a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. given anyone a bath? yes
02. smoked? yes
03. bungee jumped? no
04. made yourself throw up? yes
05. skinny dipped? yes
06: ever been in love? yes
07. made yourself cry to get out of trouble? yes
08. pictured your crush naked? yea
09. actually seen your crush naked? many times
10. cried when someone died? yes
11. lied: yes
12. fallen for your best friend? yes
13. been rejected? yes
14. rejected someone? yes
15. used someone? hasn't everyone at one point??
16. done something you regret? unfortanatly
c u r r e n t
clothes: Black Shirt (My imaginary friends think you have problems)
smell: nothing my nose is blocked
favorite artist: to many to list
favorite group: hmm
desktop picture: I liked it when it was draven
cd in player: its in the closet
l a s t | p e r s o n
you touched: Draven
you hugged: Emily
you imed: Tiffany
you kissed: I kissed my kids goodnight other then that dan
a r e | y o u
understanding: most of the time
open-minded: I try to be
interesting: some would say
smart: i dunno
moody: all the time
hardworking: I try more recently then ever but it never seems enough
organized: that's a big negative
healthy: *cough*Cough* Hmmmmm probally not
attractive: I don't think so
bored easily: why do you think i'm doing this <~~ I agree
responsible: i try
angry: underlying issues with anger yes
sad: more then most people know
happy: I wish altho I have my moments my kids can make me smile
hyper: not lately
trusting: not at all anymore...
w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a
slap: Jackie & Candice
get high with: i don't get high n-e more
look like: ummm...
talk to offline: my mommy
talk to online: the friends I wish I had
w h i c h | i s | b e t t e r
coke or pepsi: PEPSI
flowers or candy: flowers
tall or short: tall
r a n d o m
what do you notice first: eyes and smile..
last person you slow danced with: I think me and dan slow danced before
worst question to ask: whats wrong with you
who makes you laugh the most: my mom
who makes you smile: My Kids
who do you have a crush on: Dan
who has a crush on you: I hope dan does but I cant be sure
n u m b e r
of times i have had my heart broken: more then I could count and still counting
of hearts i have broken: dunno
of girls i've kissed: a couple
of continents i have lived in: 1
of tight friends: not many
of cds i own: no idea
of scars on my body: more then I can count
f i n a l | q u e s t i o n s
01. gold or silver: silver
02. what was the last film you saw at the movies: Saw 3
03. favorite cartoon: South Park & Family Guy
04. what did you have for breakfast this morning: Oatmeal
05. who would you love being locked in a room with: Dan
06. could you live without your computer: I could but i don't think dan could
07. would you color your hair: i want to again it all faded out
08. could you ever get off the computer: yea Im just trying to stay up so I can wake dan up for work
09. habla espanol: a little
10. drink alcohol: once in a great while barely ever
11. like watching sunrises or sunsets: both
[ Smoke? ]: yes
[ Do drugs? ]: no
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: not anymore
[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ]: yes
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: yes
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: sure
[ Read the newspaper? ]: yea
[ Have any straight friends? ]: yes
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: never
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: not really but I do like red headed sluts
[ Believe in God? ]: Nope
[ Pray? ]: nope
[ Go to church/temple? ]: nope
[ Have any secrets? ]: yea
[ Have any pets ]: sugar gliders
[ Talk to strangers who instant message you]: yup
[ Wear hats? ]: no
[ Have any piercings? ]: lots
[ Have any tattoos? ]: yup
[ Hate yourself? ]: most of the time
[ Have an obsession? ]: heh yea
[ Have a secret crush? ]: not a secret
[ Collect anything? ]: not anymore
[ Have a best friend? ]: I guess
[ Like your handwriting? ]: nope
[ Have any bad habits? ]: yes
[ Care about looks? ]: sometimes
[ Believe in witches? ]: yes
[ Believe in Satan? ]: nope
Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: lets not go there
[ Slap ]: already answered that question
[ Tickle ]: I love tickling draven
[ Be Like ]: dunno
[ TV Show ]: Law and order, the nine, and General hospital
[ Song ]: lots
[ Season ]: fall and summer
[ Radio Station]: 106.9 WCCC
[ Artist ]: to many
[ Movie ]: Romeo & Juliet, Girl interupted, and almost every moive with jonney depp he rawks
[ Magazine ]: all the ones for mommys
[ Color ]: blood/purple/black
[ Book ]: the perks of being a wall flower
[ Board Game ]: monoply
[ Band(s) ]: to many
Do You Have A Job: Stay at home mommy
Do You Like Being Around People: dunno I don't get the chance much
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: yup
Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: all the time
Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: no
Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yes
Are You Lonely Right Now: yes even know he is right there I feel so very alone
Who Do You Think Of When you Hear These Names:
Steve: Blues Clues
What are you wearing right now?: same as i was earlier in this survey..
Would you have sex before marriage?: if I didnt I would probally be a virgin forever
Have you ever had a song written about you?: nope
What song makes you happy?: lots of em
What do you like to listen to before bed?: my tv
Who was/were your idol/s when you were younger?: my mom
Name the first album you ever bought: no clue
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: nope
Are you ghetto?: hell no
Are you a player?: no
Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: no
Have you ever been slapped?: no
Do you get online a lot?: yea
Do you shower?: yup
Do you hate school?: I used to
Do you have a social life?:whats that
How easily do you trust people?: I don't not now probally not ever
Have you ever lied to your best friends?: I don't even know what friends to consider my best anymore
Do you have a secret: yea
Do you like to dance?: yes
Have you ever been out of state?: yes
Do you like to travel?: yes
Have you ever been suspended from school?: yea
Do you want to get out of your hometown?: yes
Are you spoiled? no
Are you a brat?: sometimes
What's your favorite drink?: coffee pepsi mt dew and milk
Do you drink a lot of water?: nooooooooo
Do you have a cell phone or pager?: cell phone
Do you have a curfew?: no
Are you a role model?: to my kids
What jewelry do you wear everyday: piercings neckalace and rings
Do you like taking pictures?: yupp
Do you like getting your picture taken?: sometimes when dan takes them he makes me feel pretty
Do you have a tan?: nope
Do you get annoyed easily?: very
Have you ever started a rumor?: no
Do you have your own phone/phone line?: yah hence the cell
Do you have your own pool?: no
Do you have any siblings?: yes
Do you get along with your parents?: yea
How do you vent your anger?: i dont
Have you ever been fired from a job?: yes
Do you even have a job?: now Im a stay at home mommy it's a pretty big job
Do you daydream a lot?: yes
What do you want a tattoo of?: my kids tattoos
Are you rude?: sometimes
What was the last compliment you received?: dunno
Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: innie
Are you flexible?: yea
What is your heritage?: Italian
What is your lucky number?: 6
What does your hair look like right now?: shit
Describe your looks?: icky
Would you ever date someone younger than you?: dunno
Would you ever date someone older than you?: I am right now
When was the last time you were drunk?: LoL when I went to see saw 3
Have you ever run away?: yes
How many rings until you answer the phone?: depends
Have you ever been skinny dipping?: yes
Do you look more like you mother or your father?: my mommy with my daddys eyes
Do you ever cry to get your way?: yeah when i was little
Are you the romantic type?: yes
Have you ever been chased by cops?: yea
What do you like most about your body?: eyes
What do you like least about your body?: my boobs
When was the last time you threw up?: when I was pregnant with draven
The opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? dark brown
What do the shoes you last wore look like?: black vans
What color are your underwear right now?: honestly? im not wearing any
What theme does your room have?: there is none
Would you pick a wedgie in public?: yeah
How are you feeling right now?: severly alone
When was the last time you were at a party?: the last muni party
When do you sleep in till?: depends on the little ones
|Fuck This World...
||[05 Jun 2006|08:50pm]
Im about to fucking snap... I fucking hate this.. Im sick I feel like shit and because I didnt want my daughter stuck in her crib till late Im the one who pays for it... FUCK THIS!!! I want to sedate myself I want to fall asleep and not wake up for a long time... does that matter to anyone??? of course not... why would it my boyfriend could care less hes all into his stupid fucking video games... screw this Im just gonna leave... I don't know where Im going but Im going out...
I can't take this.... he had yesterday off I was sick as a dog but all he wanted to do is clean.... I just cant take this... Im so close to snapping it's not even funny...
||[03 May 2006|10:10pm]
My life is still a roller coaster of emotions but I want to talk about my son.. my adorable perfect lil boy.. he is an angel.. he is so perfect he makes me smile.. I don't know how I managed to make to perfect babies Im so proud of them draven is so fucking strong holding his head up from birth he already rolled over.. he eats like a champ yet another thing Im proud of Im still breast feeding and things are going great with that.. it got really hard for awhile but I stuck in there and it's great.... I love him so much.. I cover him with kisses every day... emily held him today.. it was so cute I was holding her and her arms up it was so cute... having a toddler and newborn is wikked stressfull but just looking at them I know it's all worth it.... draven has started smiling real smiles.. in response to my smiles.. he is such a momma boy.. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!! he is so perfect... ok I will stop now.. time to spend time with my boyfriend I love him too!!!!! thank yew hunnie fer a pefect adorable baby boy!!!!
|What I Really Meant To Say Is Im Sorry For The Way I Am..
||[13 Apr 2006|12:12pm]
I just want to be a good mother....
I want to be a good girlfriend...
I want to be happy..
I want to feel loved..
I want to relax...
I feel like Im gonna rip my hair out
Ive been taking my meds..
Ive been trying to be more understanding with emily
what the hell is my problem...
Ive even tried to be more understanding with dan..
I feel like no matter what I do nothing is good enough...
I don't know what to do anymore..
|Just Shoot Me
||[08 Apr 2006|07:47pm]
I have a fuckin spliting headache....
just when I think everything is great it fucks up again
I feel like such shit and it just keeps getting worse...
I wish my meds would work...
Ive been trying so hard not to let shit show to my mom...
I feel like Im gonna loose it... lets hope it dosent happen or that I can hold it in till she leaves..
|I feel my self starting to slip amd fall...
||[31 Mar 2006|03:39pm]
It's been 2 weeks since Ive had Draven and Im loving every minute of being with him...
I have so many fears of being a mother of 2 and emily will be returning home in a couple days last night I realized my depression is kicking in... I don't know what to do or say about it.. Im trying more to ignore it and to keep my head up everytime I get upset I look at draven and he makes me smile but the fears are still very much here... fears that I won't be able to devide my attention enough fears that emily will feel left out on either my part or dans... the fact that draven being dans biological child will effect her relationship with him... Ive also been feeling that my relationship with dan is going to change alot it somewhat seems like it has we don't have much time for each other due to our sleeping schedule I miss sleeping next to him.. I miss waking up to him having his arms around me...
I miss him constantly touching me and kissing me... I know its because were busy with the baby but I feel so insecure about myself...
my depression have been kicking in more then I would like to acknowlage.. *sigh* tomorrow Im getting up early in the morning to pick up a birthday present for my hunnie bunnie.. tickets to NIN I also have another gift in mind which he will get closer to his birthday...
I want him to be happy.. I want both of my kids to be happy.. my whole life I always trid making everyone happy... now I have 3 people that their happiness matter more then anything.. I just hope I can be a great mother and girlfriend all at the same time...
they are all that matters to me... they are my whole life.. if I ever lost any of them I would loose a big chunk of myself and I wouldnt know how to go on... well Im gonna go pick up the house more... and tend to my lil boy who is starting to wake up....
||[30 Mar 2006|12:22am]
|| Extreamly Exhausted
I forgot how sleep dosent exsist when you have a newborn.. I really don't mind as much as I would think I would... I love being awake for him I nap in between here and there... i finally got my tooth pulled.. they did sedate me but I was still awake and it was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt..
It hurts now but Im dealing... I have so much on my mind.. I can't stop starring at draven and now that my tooth is pulled I should stop being in pain in a couple days.. meaning emily can come home!!
Im so excited but Im scared too I worry all the time as it is about being a good mother to her now I have to kids both adorable and perfect in so many ways but Im scared Im not gonna be good enough for them Im scared I won't be able to devide me attention well enough or that the stress will be to much to handle I love them both so much.. we had to take emily to the doctors yesterday so the whole day it was just me dan emily and draven and it felt so good to all be together.. I feel compleate.. Im starting the family that I never had.. I want to give my kids everything I never had I want them to feel safe secure and loved... I want them to know that I will always be there for them and that I will protect them... I want alot of things... and it's odd years ago i just wanted to party now that is the last thing on my mind.. actually it's not even really on my mind... I want to get a house a nice house with a yard my kids could play in where there are good skools and a good neighborhood, one day I would like to get married.. Ive dremt for so long about one day having someone surprise me in the most romantic way and ask me to marry them... then having this big wedding with me walking down the isle with a beautiful long white wedding dress.. I want my wedding to be perfect..
I just hope I can be everything my kids need... I hope one day when I do get married that not only could I be everything my kids need but also be everything my husband needs... well Im getting tired enough babbling for tonight...
||[28 Mar 2006|07:17am]
I think Im kinda getting used to the no sleep thing.. I sleep when I can which is an hour or 2 here or there... normally when he actually does sleep for a long time is when Im wide awake and when Im feeling like death because my body needs sleep is when he wants to be held and awake and alert I love it when he's awake even if he does have bad timing.. he is soooo fucking adorable...
my tooth is fuckimg throbbing thank god they are pulling it tomorrow... I can't wait... dooobie doo
I love my son... dooobie doooo he is adorable!! dooobie doooo im loosing my mind due to the lack of sleep..... lalalalalalala...